Monday, August 29, 2011

Business Professional

or don't wear jeans stupid.

     I got a call last week asking if I wanted to come in for an interview with a company called Tex Energy -CC Concepts. My major problem is I have applied for so many jobs over the last few weeks that I don't know what  or who is calling most of the time. That and lets face it, cell phones don't exactly have the best sound especially the cheap pieces of shit that I can afford. The girl on the other side said dress Business Professional which sent a little red flag up in my brain saying "A/C desk job" and "probably not qualified but fake it baby, fake it". To say I was excited is an understatement. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I could have a sit down job again. Visions of salary floating through my head when there was a knock at the front door.
     I moved the 200lbs Mastiff out of the way thinking that maybe it was Fed Ex or UPS delivering more supplies for Crystals business to find a kid dressed in khakis and a polo shirt with a clip board under his arm and a shit eating grin on his face. Tex-Energy writ large over the right breast of his shirt. My heart sank with each passing word of his spiel on how I could save money if I just switched power companies. I soon realized what that phone call for a job interview was all about, walking the streets and bugging people at home in the Houston Heat.  A feeling of dread and disappointment as I watched my deck, chair, PC, stolen free office supplies and the walls of my cubicle covered with pictures of my lovely girlfriend and maybe a stock image of a dog were ripped from my grasp as this poor schlub went on about how great my savings were going to be if I switched to Tex-Energy.

     After I shooed him away with a story about how I was just staying here and had no say whatsoever on the electric bill let along any authority to switch I had to regroup and figure out what I was going to do. Should I go to the interview which was obviously going to be a waste of time other than some much needed practice or should I just stay at home and apply for 10 more jobs.

    I decided I could always use more practice interviews so I venture out in the 100 degree heat and see if I was right and this was going to be a shit job walking around neighborhoods getting bit by dogs and feral children. On my arrival I was sent to a room with 10 other well dressed candidates all who sat quietly and stared ahead at the dry erase board or played with their cellphones. One kid finally spoke up and asked if anyone applied for a job with these people or did they just get their resume off Not one person had any idea what they were applying for or even why they got called in for an interview.
     I told them the story about the man at the door and a few of them chuckled and some got pissed. A well dressed girl in the front row even threatened to walk out of the interview if it was going to be "door to door shit". It was actually the best part of my day to set that in motion, doing what a friend from the old days used to call "stirring the shit". I knew the smell of a shit job from experience but these kids had no idea what trap they were walking in to until the wise bald old man in the room gave them the information. I hated to dash their dreams of cubicles and office chairs but it was only fair to warn them what was going to happen before the interview. Which I knew they would make sound like a peanut butter cocaine orgasm honey sandwich but you had to look close to notice the bread was made of shit.
      They started breaking us up into groups to interview us, I was called in with a kid that looked like he was 18 that I could probably have bench pressed. We were definitely a mismatched pair a balding male, mid-thirties,goatee, green eyes, glasses versus dark hair, braces, trying to grow a mustache and his girlfriend was waiting for him in the lobby. It was a strange mix to put it gently  The smarmy kid in a suit who interviewed us explained what we would be doing which is we'd get a list of people and harass them at home to switch power companies. He made is sound like everyday would be Ice Cream Sandwiches from start to finish and that if we did well in this interview we'd get a call later that day with a time in which to start orientation.
      I imagine everyone that showed up and didn't start defecating on the office floor got the "Call" for orientation. I got my call at least 3 hours afterwards and lied about being there the next day. The entire process happened so quickly but I am sure that is part of the trick to get as many people in as quickly as you can without them asking too many question and rush them through the hiring process. Mention that you are looking for managers as well but everyone has to start at the bottom and let those greed hooks work into the monetary part of the brain. I could be a manager, all I have to do is walk the streets of Texas with a list of victims in August when it is 104 outside and not die from heat exhaustion for a commission that couldn't be explained to me during the interview.
     I miss my cubicle already and I only had it in my imagination.

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